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killer shrike
Mon Oct 31, 2005 at 06:52:38 am EST
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Strong Suit Interlude, Part Four
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Strong Suit: Interlude


“Side Trip to the Madhouse Concludes”



A tanned woman wearing an oversized Sooners tee-shirt languished atop the quavering branches of a willow tree. She sat up, stretched, and considered her prisoners with a casual eye.

“Welcome to my garden,” Poison Okie said to Mr. Epitome and Visionary as they hung suspended in the coils of some especially aggressive ivy.

Dominic Clancy fumed. It would have been easy for him to tear his way out of the floral snare, but the consequences for Visionary, who was lashed taut to his back, would have been crippling. He was reminded of an earlier, similar predicament. It did not improve his humor.

“Oh, man! Of all the times to have an itchy nose,” Visionary lamented, which earned him a harsh glare from Epitome over his shoulder.

Okie patted the tree limb she rested upon, a signal for it to bend downward, bringing her closer to her captives, “Your nose will be the least of your troubles, once the toxins those vines produce permeate your skin and enter your bloodstream.”

A slim figure vaulted onto the branches beneath Poison Okie, “Heya, Red!” Mary Prankstar looked up to her friend and giggled, “I can see your underwear.”

“Prankston, this woman means to kill Visionary! Stop her,” Epitome entreated.

“Aw, Poison Okie’s just having a little fun. She wants to see if my little Candied Yam is worth all my fussin’ over. Ain’t that right, Red?”

The other woman’s only response was a tight-lipped smirk.

Visionary looked from Okie to Epitome and realized if he didn’t take matters into his own hands he was either going to be poisoned or pulped, “S-sure I’m worth all the fuss. Really. I’m a regular Renaissance man. Uh, ask me anything.”

“What’s your stand on global warming?” the environmental extremist asked.

“Here we go,” Epitome muttered to himself.

“Ah, well, I’m against it, of course,” Visionary proclaimed.

Poison Okie waited for further elucidation. None came, “That’s it?” she gestured, and the vines tightened around both men.

“Ack! Well, I really can’t go into a detailed monologue while being crushed to death, but maybe if you let us go… Arrggh! OK, look, I do care about, ahm, Mother Earth. Why, I’ve got The Journals of John Muir on tape right here,” he feebly gestured to one of his coat pockets.

The plant-controlling villainous paused, “On tape?”

“As read by Ted Danson. My friend showed me how to download it to my iPod.”

“Let me hear it.”

A free creeper picked its way through Visionary’s coat, removing the electronic device and bringing it to Poison Okie. She spent several moments trying to activate it.

“Press that red button there,” Vizh said helpfully.

The woman complied. Unfortunately for her, that particular toggle set off the flashbang grenade feature, sending her tumbling off her perch and to the ground below. The fall rendered Poison Okie unconscious.

Visionary felt the vines go slack. He and Mr. Epitome dropped down to the grass below. Vizh caught his breath.

“I knew not to trust Kerry’s modifications,” he exposited before standing and walking over to Mary Prankstar, who was staring at her fallen friend.

Visionary grabbed the harlequin firmly by her shoulders and forced her to meet his gaze, “No more games, Mary. If you know where the Hooded Hood is, you need to tell us. Now.”

*****


The tall man in the grey mantle did not turn to address the two heroes that entered his throne room, choosing instead to keep his attention on the Portal of Pretentiousness, which was displaying Mary’s confession to her ‘Mistah V,’ “Once again, your adversaries underestimate you, Visionary. Your reference to Muir was inspired. And the subornation of Miss Prankston to your will? Even I was impressed with the ease you took to the task.”

It was Mr. Epitome who responded, “We have questions for you, Winkelweald. Are you going to cooperate and answer them, or did we go through all this bullshit for nothing?”

The Hood turned to face the Star Spangled Splendor, “Ask away, Miles.”

Epitome swallowed softly, but then spoke with some vigor, “Was it you who made me lose my memory?”

“If I were, what would it mean to you? Would you try to force me to change you back?”

“Not now, no.”

The Cowled Crime Czar nodded, “I had nothing to do with your transformation.”

“You know who did, though,” Dominic stated.

“Of course. I keep watch over those whose work clashes with my will, even when their machinations are futile. The blood will out. It always does.”

“We’ll see.”

“Turning back the clock hasn’t changed who you are, Mr. Epitome.”

“We’ll see,” Dominic repeated, though this time his voice was tighter.

Visionary coughed, “Right. So, uh, are you going to tell us who’s behind Epitome’s mind wipe? I mean, we did come all this way…”

“Tell you, and deny Epitome the pleasure of finding out the truth for himself? No. I will tell him, however, that he is right to suspect the Lair Legion.”

“Wait. What?” the possibly fake man stammered.

And on that note, the Hooded Hood’s eyes flashed, and both Mr. Epitome and Visionary were gone.

*****


They found themselves outside the car they had driven to Herringcarp. It was now morning, and the asylum had taken on the sedate appearance of a modern mental health care facility.

Visionary looked across the roof of the Lair Legion Lexus to Mr. Epitome, who was fishing a set of keys out of his belt pouches, “What the Hood said, you know, could mean anything. He always tells the truth, but he lies.”

“I know the Hooded Hood’s statements are always subject to interpretation.”

“Good,” Vizh nodded; though in reality he was unsure the Man of Might understood his point, “I mean, you see what he’s trying to do? He wants to set you at odds with the team again.”

“I know.”

“All right. Now what we can do is go back and tell the others-Mumph and Lisa and the Librarian- and see if we can find out what’s really going on.”

Dominic Clancy looked at Visionary with eyes as cold and hard as any of those belonging to the inmates of the asylum, “We won’t be telling the Legion anything. Understood?”

“Epitome, don’t-”

“I’m not looking for your advice on this. I’m looking for your cooperation,” there was an awkward pause before Dominic added, “Please.”

To Visionary, that might have been the most stupefying thing he had heard all night.

*****


The storefront Kat had found to set up shop could be found among the cluttered but cozy establishments of Medium-Sized Italy’s Fredo Street. Her neighbors included two antiques stores and an artist’s collective, all of whom had welcomed her with open arms, loaded casserole dishes, and inquiries into her connubial status. It seemed every storeowner had a son or grandson or nephew that would be “just perfect” for the slender blonde with the megawatt smile.

Katarina Allen gladly accepted all but the last offering. She was starting over, in a brand new city, one of the biggest, fastest in the world, and if there was to be any chance for her hand-dyed cloth shop to succeed, it would be essential for her to focus her efforts on the store.

Stepping off the streetcar, Kat turned down a side street and walked to work. It was not even eight, but there was already a bustle of activity from her fellow entrepreneurs in the neighborhood. She looked forward to the day the “Closed” sign on her front door could be turned to “Open.”

A familiar figure waited by her door, sort of half-squatting, half-leaning against the redbrick wall. Dominic was wearing his uniform bottoms complete with belt pouches and a flannel work shirt, covering his under armor shirt. His clothes and the fact he was still in his combat boots suggested the man had been on duty until very recently.

“Hello Kat,” he smiled. He stood from his crouch.

“Hello Dominic. This is a pleasant surprise,” Kat put down her box of brushes and stencils to unlock her front door, “You have time for the grand tour?”

Epitome nodded and picked up her belongings. Then the two went inside.

*****


“Sir Mumphrey Wilton had mentioned your offer on this property had been accepted. I’m sorry I didn’t come down sooner to congratulate you,” Dominic explained as he set the box down on the store’s hardwood counter.

Kat shrugged, “That’s OK. I’ve been so busy getting the proper permits and insurance its only been a couple days since I’ve been in here myself,” she gestured at the dirty, peeling paint and the cracked linoleum floor, “As you can plainly see.”

“Can I help you clean up?”

“That’s not necessary, Dominic,” the young woman took off her cardigan and rolled up her shirtsleeves.

“I know. But I’d like to.”

Kat smiled apprehensively, “I would think you’d find scrubbing down walls to be humdrum after a long day of adventuring.”

“You spent four months ‘adventuring’ yourself. Do you find anything humdrum about an honest day’s work?” Dominic, grinning, countered before turning serious, “You would be doing me a favor if you let me help.”

“OK.”

“Thank you,” Epitome hitched up his belt and looked around for where to start.

“If you tell me why,” Kat finished, “I’ve told you this before, Dominic, I will always have time for you. But I need you to be straight with me. No veiled motives or oblique agendas, please.”

Dominic nodded, “For you? Always,” he paused before explaining, “The Lair Legion is definitely involved with my memory loss. I don’t know exactly how, but the fact is at least one of them knows more than they are telling.”

Kat was stunned, “What are you going to do?”

“Try to learn who betrayed me, and confront them. See if the process is reversible.”

“And reverse it? Go back to what you were?” Kat asked. The way Dominic had talked before, when they first returned from Apocalyspe, and he attempted to explain himself; the man he was might not have been worth being.

“I think I have to, Kat. This is going to sound extremely conceited, but America needs me as I was: at the height of my power and influence.”

Katarina Allen sighed inwardly; so much for trying to keep her personal life simple, “But is that what you want?”

“I don’t know. It could be argued that what I want isn’t really important, but I have a feeling if I tried we’d be here all day.”

“Damn straight.”

“And really all I want to do is spend some time away from that aspect of my life, helping out a friend,” he smiled uneasily, “So will you humor me? At least for now?”

The woman folded her arms across her chest and acquiesced, “Sink’s in the back. There’s a bucket and bleach and a sponge you can use to clean those walls.”

“Great.”

“And I expect them to be spotless.”

“You’ll be able to eat off those walls when I’m finished.”

Kat snorted and went looking for her toolbox. She had a lot of work to do. They both did.


Next: we go back to the main Strong Suit story, where the mystery of Illusionous deepens and we learn of a possible connection between him and one of our heroes. Mr. Epitome visits OPS, and another surprise villain puts in an appearance. Out soon.

Footnotes:

Poison Okie: Deanna Running Water was a government researcher who developed a plant-controlling enzyme based on stolen Technopolitian technology, this woman was driven mad by her exposure to the chemicals. Now she wants to restore all of Earth to its Garden of Eden roots… and a national title for the Oklahoma Sooners.

The ‘Traitor’ in the Lair Legion: is in fact Fleabot, since he knows that it was the Idiom who caused Mr. Epitome’s memory loss and subsequent age regression by way of the M/ELTSER (Modification/Erasure of Long Term Stored Engrams Ray) back in Mr. Epitome #44.

Katarina “Kat” Allen: was a young woman abducted along with a small Louisiana town to an alien planet in Dancer’s excellent ‘Far Away’ series. She rescued an amnesiac Mr. Epitome from near death and was part of his and the rest of the memory-wiped Legion’s adventures to stop the Gods of the Apocalyspe. She and Epitome became very close during their travels, and share a bond even after the Paragon of Power’s memories were returned.

And because I love doing these, a “Side Trip to the Madhouse” Cast List:

Mr. Epitome, Visionary, and the Hooded Hood have been cast so many times by me and others already I won’t spend any more time on them, but as for the other dramatis personae in this story how about:

The bland and stoic Peter Weller (“Robocop”) for Poker Face



The tall and annoying Jeff Goldblum (“Jurassic Park”) for the Quibbler



The cute and ebullient Kristen Bell (“Veronica Mars”) for Mary Prankstar



The neither cute nor ebullient Pruitt Taylor Vince (“Identity”) for Putty Puss.



The big and menacing Triple H (“WWE: Raw”) for Mantikore



The seriously hot and slightly Native American Angelina Jolie (“Us Magazine Cover”) for Poison Okie.



The sweet and underrated Piper Perabo (“Coyote Ugly”) for Kat Allen.











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